Carol’s Column

Where do missing hubcaps go?

Just finished it.

There are the great mysteries of the world. Such as did the lost continent of Atlantis really exist? What is the true meaning of the megaliths of Stonehenge? Where is Eldorado, the land of gold? Was it really a black hole that caused the catastrophic explosion in Siberia in 1908?

Or, where do single socks go when they disappear leaving one lonely mate to cover two feet?

I have discovered yet another great mystery.

Where do missing hubcaps go?

I recently traded my ancient 13-year-old jalopy in for a 1998 Toyota Corolla which belonged to an extremely senior citizen who had driven just 14 000 kilometres. A new car, I thought to myself. Silver and immaculate, I have named him Elvis due to the fact that he really sparkles.

All was well until this past week when I observed that my front right hubcap had vanished. What is more, I noticed that today’s hubcaps are plastic not metal.

Thank heavens, I thought, had they been metal, I know I would have had to pay six ribs for a new hubcap.

I phoned a dealer. "A new hubcap for your car will cost you R145," I was told.

"You're joking," I exclaimed. "A piece of plastic cannot possibly cost R145."

I phoned around. It does.

"Nobody buys hubcaps at a dealer," said my good friend Betty who understands these things. "Go to a scrap metal yard and look around, you'll definitely find something there."

So I visited four scrap metal yards and found bits of every conceivable car ever made, but not one Toyota Corolla hubcap.

"Naaa," said Manny who has been in the business from round about the time of the Anglo-Boer War. "You won't find one of those, they are rarer than a dodo's teeth."

It was the same everywhere. Fenders, doors, hubcaps for cars I'd never heard of, but nothing for Elvis.

"If you did have a hubcap for my car, how much would it cost?" I queried.

"About R45," he said. "But you're wasting your time, they're very scarce."

Somebody mentioned there was a municipal lorry which collected fallen-off hubcaps and every few months sold them for a reasonable amount.

If there is such a thing, I couldn't find it. After wading through enough bureaucracy to make an earthworm puke, I gave up.

Then a colleague suggested I use the services of an "informal" hubcap dealer known as Tops. Tops, he said, would be able to arrange a Toyota Corolla hubcap for a quarter of the price. I couldn't deal directly with Tops, I had to contact Ox who would phone Lefty who would speak to Tops.

Is it possible I am going to buy a stolen hubcap, I asked myself as I plucked my moustache one morning? From this, I have discovered several things.

Firstly, there are people who specialise in walking around, screwdrivers in their hands, prising off unsuspecting hubcaps while cars are parked, owners busy elsewhere

Secondly, still waiting to be discovered, exists a great big hubcap heaven somewhere. I mean, hubcaps can't just vanish.

Thirdly, while car manufacturers might make a tidy buck selling you their product, this is nothing to the profits they enjoy from selling you the different parts which make up the whole.

To say they have a monopoly is an understatement. Take each part of your car separately, add it up and you will find the original car price was a mere bagatelle.

Honesty prevailed - I'm not sure why - and I am now the owner of a new hubcap. Momentarily anyway. What the hell, at least I still have a car on which to fit the hubcap!

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