Carol’s Column

They say pets are good for your health

"LOST one and gained four," said my husband triumphantly.

That was on Monday — the day the stray little white Maltese poodle we had found and nurtured a few weeks previously, gave birth to two minuscule cream puppies.

And suddenly, our dog population swelled to six.

"We're overdoing it," said my husband. "Do you realise how many mouths I'm feeding? Six dogs, four children, one cat, two gold fish, a pregnant hamster and 5 000 silk worms." His voice faded in horror and his face assumed a stricken look.

"Nonsense," I retorted, "not according to Dr Les Lloyd-Adams."

"Who the heck is Dr Les Lloyd-Adams?" my husband inquired. "Is he also moving in with us?. How's his appetite?"

"Dr Les Lloyd-Adams is the chairman of the Human Companion Animal Bond Society."

"The what?"

"According to the doctor, there is convincing evidence that pets are medically beneficial to people. Furthermore, there is now sufficient evidence that pet ownership can help stabilise heart and blood pressure problems and improve mental faculties and socialisation," I added.

My husband clutched his heart which had slipped to his navel. "It doesn't feel too stable right now," he muttered as the puppies started yipping.

I was a fund of information. "The doctor believes that pets break down social barriers. There's much more socialising among pet owners than among normal people."

"True," my husband nodded sagely. "Do you remember the social discourse we had with our neighbours when Liquorice-the-labrador broke down the barrier separating us. When she swept through his sweetpeas uprooting all his bulbs on the way?"

Could I ever forget. I still have a ruptured eardrum.

Just then, a blade of grass rustled in the wind and all four dogs barked loudly and vociferously — a cacophony of sound. In the background, the newly-born pups squeaked hungrily.

"I think my blood pressure's rising," said my husband. "Its stability is in question."

There was a knock at the door. There stood our neighbour Mr Guppy. We hadn't spoken to him since our cat had chased his two Great Danes up a tree five years ago.

And interestingly enough, his blood pressure seemed somewhat affected by the tuneful barks issuing forth from outside.

"If you don't shut up those hounds," he shouted, "I will shoot them. Then I will shoot you and your goldfish."

"Come, come," replied my husband. "Those are strong words."

At this, Mr Guppy burst into tears. "I can't bear it," he said. "I can't go on like this. I'm leaving. I can't take your animals anymore."

"Wait, wait," bellowed my husband. "I'll join you." And before I could say 'woof', he'd made a knapsack with his Gucci scarf, clutched Mr Guppy's arm and disappeared down the road.

The doctor's right — pets do bring people together. They hadn't spoken for 5 years.

Incidentally, did you know that watching goldfish lowers your blood pressure. I can feel mine falling as I watch ours floating around.

Dammit — why haven't they been fed? Why's the water so dirty? Who dropped salami into the tank? I'll kill somebody.

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