Carol’s Column
So who said that naked wasn't nice?
THEY'RE a breed apart.
Not all of them mind you — just the ones I seem to have encountered lately.
Salesladies I'm talking about.
You know the kind. Snooty and superior with disdainful expressions and tight lips.
Like mushrooms they crop up everywhere.
Take this last week. I needed a new outfit.
A dear friend of ours is marrying for the fifth time — an occasion that deserves to be celebrated in the appropriate manner.
As I pulled my silk suit out of the cupboard to check for moths, the left arm remained behind on the hanger which made me feel I needed a new suit.
"That suit is definitely past its prime," noted my husband observantly. "Spoil yourself, splurge out and buy a new outfit."
So I tried.
I popped into the cute little boutique down the road. The one with the yellow and white canopy over the door. Behind the counter stood the original ice maiden. Two metres tall in a purple Yves St Laurent creation.
Very swish.
She gave my stretch jeans and cerise cardigan a withering look and continued talking to the Maltese poodle sitting on the counter.
I waited patiently as she chatted to the dog, then suddenly she turned.
"Does Modom need help?" she trumpeted.
I got such a fright that I jumped backwards into a display of Ferragamo shoes arranged enticingly among silk scarves and dainty hats, causing them to topple from their delicate stands.
She was not impressed.
"I'd like a suit," I said gaily, "something elegant for a wedding."
"Congratulations," she snarled, her lipstick solidifying into ice.
"Does Modom have anything particular in mind?" she asked imperiously.
"Yes, I thought a something simple and subdued would be rather nice."
"Naice?" she shuddered, arched her eyebrows upwards until they disappeared in her hairline and vanished through a crimson-draped door.
She returned with a creation in navy, orange, red and turquoise.
"Isn't this a little flamboyant?" I said.
"Modom, this is a La Pepito original," she replied stiffly. "It is an absolute bargain."
My eyes lit up — there's something about the word 'bargain' that appeals to me.
"How much is it?"
"Only R728,42."
Only.
"But I don't want to buy out your entire range," I exclaimed.
The next shop had similar aspects. Although not as expensive looking, the two salesladies chatted away.
". . . so I told him I wouldn't even look at him if he didn't take that plastic orange off his aerial. There's no way I'm going out with a bloke what has an orange on his aerial. It's not classy."
Eventually they noticed me.
"Ja!" said the anti-orange aerial young lady.
I explained my needs.
"Agh, just help yourself," she said disinterestedly, "do your own thing."
The third boutique was no better, neither was the fourth.
But no matter. I caused a sensation yesterday when I dressed for the wedding in my mock-croc croc shoes, matching bag and purple hat.
My spouse was a little taken aback.
"Is that all you're wearing?" he asked, his eyes swivelling.
"Dearest, it's all I have?" I replied. "I simply couldn't find a thing to wear."
"Won't you be a little chilly?" he said dubiously.
"No, it's a lovely sunny day."
Then: "But do you think it looks nice?"
"Naice?" What's naice?
■
Editorial note
Masthead reads "Sunday Express LIVING, August 8, 1982"; 8 August 1982 was a Sunday. The clipping is trimmed just past the date, so the page number is cut away. The standing head "Carol's COLUMN" is set over a drawing of her behind a rolled newspaper, and the column is signed "Carol Lazar" at the foot. Photographed as page-205, with the cartoon in close-up as page-206. Cut into two pieces like the crocodile page of the week before: one long strip pasted down the left margin, and a shallow band across the top with the headline, the last three columns and the drawing. The strip is pasted about six degrees off square, so it has to be straightened before it can be tiled. Spelling slips are corrected here; wording is not. Where a word looks doubled or stray, it is left as set and recorded below.
Transcribed as printed. Doubtful readings:
- "a display of Feragamo shoes": printed thus, for "Ferragamo". Corrected here as a plain spelling slip.
- "my mock-croc croc shoes": printed thus, with "croc" twice. Left as set; it could be a compositor's doubling or her own joke, and the photograph is clear.
- "I thought a something simple and subdued": printed thus. The "a" is plainly set. Left as it stands.
- "Dearest, it's all I have?": set with a question mark. Left as set.
- "Naice?" What's naice?: the quotation marks close after the first word only. Left as set.