Carol’s Column

Making pets out of the not-so-dangerous criminals

Two items of general interest crossed my path. Both are extraordinary attributes to human inventiveness.

The first concerns the state's newly announced intention to electronically tag 10 000 prisoners a year starting in March of the third millennium.

Electronic tagging pertaining to mammals is, of course, not new. Various animal organisations have been doing it for a long period with varying degrees of success. Straightforward tagging began years ago with the introduction of a small device implanted into your pet's ear, the theory being that many lost animals land up at an animal sanctuary such as the SPCA. Pets with implanted identification tags could be more speedily identified and returned to their despairing owners.

In conservation circles, electronic tagging has proved an extremely successful way of keeping track of various species and has proved a useful scientific research tool. Endangered animals in particular, have benefited - the increasing black rhino population is direct proof of this. But prisoners?

According to the department of correctional services, there are already 59 000 miscreants too many causing overpopulation on our prisons.

By the year 2008, they have estimated that our prison population will swell to 280 000, a totally unsustainable figure.

In order to avert this increasing overpopulation crisis, the Government intends to tag selected 'non-dangerous' persons presently involuntarily residing in state penitentiary. The tagging will be a natty bracelet or anklet linked electronically to centres staffed by monitors of the correctional services department.

By the year 2006, the Government hopes that half the country's prison population appropriately clad in jail jewellery will be released. The electronic tags will ensure the authorities are able to keep in constant contact with wearers who, if they stray out of their designated areas or tamper with their ornamentation, will swiftly be re-apprehended.

If they can be found. If there's somebody on duty when they abscond. If there's not a strike of correctional services monitors at the time. If our understaffed police force has the resources to search and catch absconders.

Talking implants, an equally sagacious enterprise is that of the creation of neuticles. Neuticles, invented, patented and made in America, is the name given to artificial testicles for pets.

It seems that American domestic pets, primarily dogs and cats, suffer psychological trauma when castrated. Or so says the creator of neuticles, Gregg A Miller of Kansas City.

Gumdrop-shaped solid silicone testicles are sold for about R500 a pair. Price is dependent on size. A cheaper polypropylene model is available for R125 a set. Over 30 000 sets have been sold, mostly in the US but global popularity for these ersatz globules is gaining and to date.

They take roughly three minutes to implant and so far, there has been not one complication recorded.

Says Miller: "Installing neuticles is as easy as changing a light bulb."

Animal behavioural experts say they believe dogs and cats, horses, porcupines or indeed any mammals other than man, couldn't care a damn about testicle size. They suggest neuticle cosmetic surgery improves the self-esteem of the owner, not the pet. You, as I did, might wonder if the practice of neuticles has caught on with humans. An enquiry to an expert in reconstructive surgery elicited the comment that male men, domestic or otherwise, are more interested in the cosmetic enhancement of adjacent body parts.

There is a gloriously whimsical feel about the brilliance of such innovations. I cannot wait to see what else the new century will bring.

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