Carol’s Column

Koopsiekte inevitable in shopping malls of the US

My life is becoming increasingly turbulent. A few months ago, I developed malaria, followed shortly afterwards by brucellosis, an obscure illness acquired by eating or drinking unpasteurised dairy products.

Since then I've been fit, but in the space of one week in Buffalo, in the US, I have been struck down by a serious case of koopsiekte.

For those not proficient in Afrikaans, Official Language Number Two (second to Zulu for those who might be wondering), this can be translated as shopper's disease.

Buffalo is legendary for many things. Buffalo wings, the Buffalo Bulls, who play seriously good American football (a scared man's rugby), the spectacular Niagara Falls, the coldest winters in the country and the biggest and best factory shopping outlets in the world. The latter part of the previous statement is not a Texas exaggeration.

Buffalo outlet malls consist of thousands of warehouse-sized stores filled with consumer goods so dazzling they cause instant koopsiekte.

The symptoms of koopsiekte are as follows. On entering a store, I break into a sweat, my eyes glaze over and my hearing immediately diminishes. It is replaced by a continuous buzzing in my head which seems to sing “buy-buy-buy”. My heartbeat increases rapidly and I feel lightheaded.

Well, wouldn't you if you came across a large sign enticing you to “Paws for thought” below which you found a counter selling thick, turtleneck dog sweaters with cable stitching for $95 (a mere R550-something)? Or an easily drainable indoor plastic bathtub for dogs – or cats – with a side drain, slip-resistant floor and built in rings (for securing leashes) which comes in three sizes, for small, medium and large dogs at just $60?

I couldn't resist the dimplers. “No man can be without a dimpler,” said Cora Lee, the charming assistant with green hair and three nose studs.

She explained that a dimpler was a special tool which put a nice deep dimple in the top of a tie (just below the knot), thus immediately giving the lucky wearer of the tie a well-groomed, classy, professional look to die for. Well, that's what Cora Lee said. Anyway, at $9,50, a dimpler was almost affordable.

I really fancied the Autostarter, a nifty portable car-starter which, plugged into your vehicle's cigarette lighter, would immediately recharge your drained battery and get the car going.

“This eliminates jump leads,” said salesperson Marvin. “What's more, it's a bargain at $19.99.”

Marvin “call me Marv”, was also selling Park-Zones, a device resembling a mini traffic light which, installed in your car, would ensure you never knocked into a wall or other car again.

Like a robot, the green light flashed when the driver was a safe distance from a hazard, the orange flashed for danger, while red flashing signified stop immediately. A present that should almost be mandatory in Johannesburg, I thought to myself.

Irresistible, too, was a singing cashmere-covered hot water bottle and a McGuyver, a penknife-type tool complete with box and spoke wrenches, tire lever, screwdrivers, bottle opener, fork, scissors, knives, saws and a whole lot more.

Then there was underwear made of ostrich feathers, synthetic leopard-skin longjohns, heated nostril warmers and a personalised nostril hair cutting device. Best of all was the his and hers toe-warmers. The variety was endless.

However, there is an instant cure for koopsiekte. I discovered it yesterday when my credit card flashed “this transaction cannot be authorised”. Something to do with a lack of available funds.

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