Carol’s Column

Touts at robots help usher in new SA

Who says Johannesburg is dull from its quartzite roots upwards? Nonsense. Just driving in a car these days is a jol.

Take the 123 pamphlets I have acquired this week when stopping at robots.

They're full of information about everything from CV joints to timeshare, toilets, plumbing, carpet cleaners to painters, cheap leather jackets, matric dance dresses and home-made chocolate cakes.

For just R95 you can get a reconditioned CV joint. What is a CV joint? Each M-Net decoder and aerial installer is cheaper than the next, and for almost nothing — a mere R10 000 deposit — you can move into the cluster house of your dreams. And live happily ever after with two toilets and impregnable security.

A travelling aromatherapy rub will cost only R50, and if you're a dirty person, have no fear, help — lots of help — is near. Dirty carpets, curtains and lounge suites can be miraculously steam-cleaned.

Custom-built toilet seats are available for a song, as are singing burglar alarms and anti-allergenic futons.

There's a trumpeter in Parkwood who'll play The Last Post while the traffic light changes, and in Northcliff, Madame Mary at the crossroads reads your palm for R2.

The new roadside culture includes vendors, the jobless holding placards saying "No Work, No Money, No Food, Help!", street children, pensioners and, for the more upmarket, people selling same-day snoek from Cape Town.

It's easy to pretend the people trying to attract your attention are not there, but it's much more interesting to chat.

There's Thomas from Mozambique, who sells keyrings with our new flag and an emblem on the back. "I'm spreading a little reconciliation," he says with a two-toothed grin. Previously a gunrunner, he retired when he shot off his right foot.

Albert of Alexandra used to work as a painter, but injured himself falling off a ladder. He sells pornographic playing cards as a sideline, but thinks the girls illustrating his wares are ugly. "They've got plenty of ass, but no class," he says.

Firstgear — his father worked on the assembly line at Volkswagen in Uitenhage — makes wire artworks and is creating a Mandela and De Klerk puppet show.

Boris, a World War 1 pensioner, sells flowers he nicks from suburban hedges. "Winter's been a lean time," he growls. "It's much better now that spring is here."

Yesterday, at the Sandton Sun traffic lights, I was offered an affirmative action kit by Solly from Soweto. For R5 he was selling a tin of black shoe polish and a small brush.

I like this new South Africa. It has a sense of humour.

Carol Lazar is one of five guest columnists standing in for James Clarke. Lazar is The Star's Travel Editor.

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