Carol’s Column

Our temple takes a tumble

Houses are like people. With the advancement of age comes a rapid deterioration. You know how it is — suddenly the bloom of youth is a memory in a shoebox.

I've always marvelled at the Egyptians. Some of their temples were built 5 000 years ago and they're still standing, whereas the most solid thing about our Parkwood temple, built in 1907, is the oak tree beside it planted in the same year.

"I've always liked your house," said our neighbour Gretchen Ginkel, who in 1979 won the lift-scheme-mother-of-the-year award. "It has a rustic quaintness about it, especially with the listing chimney."

Listing chimney?

I dashed outside to survey the chimney. It was listing.

Better look

"Relax," said my husband. "It won't collapse."

Of course it did.

"Personally, I think the house looks better without a chimney," I said to my spouse. "The lines of the roof are clean and uncluttered."

However, we found Jeremiah-the-builder, who undertook to rebuild the chimney for R500.

Then, like the Parthenon, the roof of our patio collapsed.

"Don't worry," said my spouse, "we'll call Carlos-the-carpenter."

"We need six new vimsh," said Carlos in his strong Madeiran brogue.

"Vimsh?"

"Vimsh," he nodded smilingly. Ah, "vimsh" as in "bimsh" as in "beams".

On Wednesday evening, while watching home movies, my good friend Betty slid through the gap caused by the curvature of the ancient pine flooring-strips.

Pulled back

Fortunately I caught her in time and managed to pull her back into the room and she was able to see the end of "Camping at the Vaal".

Mr Floor and his two assistants moved in the following day.

While fixing the floorboards, the fireplace collapsed which in turn caused a problem with the new chimney that Jeremiah-the-builder had almost replaced.

Why do misfortunes happen in herds? While falling, the new chimney smashed through the roof and annihilated the TV set.

So, who needs to watch the Olympic Games?

I do, which is why I am writing this from the honeymoon suite of the Sunnyside Park Hotel; and to tell the truth, this is a lifestyle to which I could become accustomed.

Life is too short for listing chimneys.

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