Carol’s Column

Come cast your vote for Carol's Commonwealth

SO WHAT'S new? I'll tell you what's new.

I have decided to form a new political party. Actually, I must be honest, the idea didn't drop into my brainbox so to speak. No, I was inspired by Adelmarie Bekker alias Adele van der Spuy, who, on Thursday night, launched her new political party in Johannesburg. Called the Universal Bond Party, Ms Bekker hopes to attract two million members. Quickly.

Before February 19, 1988 in fact, because that is the date she hopes to have a mandate to form the New National State of All Southern African States (including Botswana and the Transkei).

She issued 1 400 invitations to influential thinkers. Unfortunately only 85 decision makers pitched up, and of those, 21 were members of the press.

Good heavens, I muster up that amount of kneidel-eating decision makers every Friday night for dinner. In fact, the 899 members of my family could form the hard core. It was a cinch.

"So what do you think?" I asked my family as we tucked into mince recipe 273, the one with pepperoni, capers and peas. We'd discussed Universal Bond and its leader in great detail, you understand.

"Hm," said Jamie masticating slowly, "it's not a bad idea. Of course we'll have to think of a name."

"Something jazzy," said Nicky, "something like Carol's Commonwealth." Liquorice-the-Labrador wagged her tail. She liked the name.

"You see," said Nicky, "it has universal appeal."

"You don't think it sounds despotic?" I said. But I had to admit the CC did have a nice ring to it.

"We must have an aim," I suggested.

"Why?" asked Jamie. "Since when are aims relevant? Political parties change their aims like dirty socks."

"What about a manifesto?" I asked tentatively. "Adelmarie Bekker has 64 laws or Acts in her manifesto."

"What kind of laws?"

"Well, there's the Physical Protection Act for Animals and Humans." Mugabe and Botha, our two Finnish goldfish, blinked.

"Then there's the New Languages, Songs, Prose, Poetry and Music Act, the New Prohibition Act of Negative Gender and Race Differentiation, not to mention the New Prohibition Act of Mental Cruelty." I paused for breath.

"Who is Adelmarie Bekker?" asked my husband. "Is she on or beyond the fringe? Where has she been for the past few years?"

"Ah, for the past four years she's been researching the fact that South Africans are having the wool pulled over their eyes. She has proved that we have an impostor on our bank notes. That the head we see appearing on them is none other than the image of the English King Charles I, beheaded in 1649. It's not Jan van Riebeeck at all."

"No!" said my husband in horror.

"So, what do you think?" I asked again.

"Go for it," they all said.

The thing about a political party, I decided, as I perused several historical and political journals, is that it had to be catchy.

To test the waters, I asked my book club for some manifesto ideas.

"Go for Aids," said Agatha Crump. "That would be a good selling point. Everyone's talking about it."

Gretchen Ginkel scowled. "I'd go for something a little closer to home," she remarked rather dogmatically.

"How much closer can you go?" murmured Agatha but fortunately Gretchen didn't hear due to the fact that her hearing aid was on low.

"I've thought of a slogan," I announced triumphantly. "All For Everyone. Everyone For All".

"Now that's what I call catchy," said Agatha Crump.

Last night, in between covering schoolbooks, taking the dogs for a run, unblocking the kitchen drain and sewing Nicky's hem, I worked out a manifesto. Nothing complicated, something simple like that old French one. You know — "Men are born and remain free and equal in rights ..." etc. Of course, I'd amended it to "Persons are born and remain free ..."

This morning, my good friend Betty phoned. I forgot to mention I've appointed her my campaign manager.

"I've hired Ellis Park for the launch," she said enthusiastically, "and if we stand people on the playing fields as well, we'll pack in 200 000. I've contacted 127 TV stations worldwide, they'll all be there.

"But, there's one sacrifice you'll have to make when you become leader," she added. "You won't be able to work in the school tuck shop."

Is it worth it? I cannot take a decision lightly.

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